Whoa! That's a lot of changes!

My journey has only just begun. I've been living in California (not to be confused with "Cali" as I am told by the locals that is a sure way to identify yourself as a tourist and not cool at all! haha) So anyways, I've been in California since the end of April and life has changed immensely.  I barely recognize the face in the mirror anymore. My eyes are brighter, my skin clearer, and let's not forget that you can play connect the dots on nearly every inch of my body :)  Living here has been more than just a change of scenery. Every day is like paradise. I can enjoy the sun without the humidity suffocating me or having to fight off the all you can eat buffet that my booty once provided to the Indiana mosquitoes!  My ass is thanking me...

The ocean breeze stretches out and can be felt inland nearly every place I've been in North County, San Diego.  I have yet to see one pissed off person since I've moved here.  People are much happier, friendlier and healthier. I think it's safe to say that this piece of paradise promotes happiness and health.  

I have recently Californicated myself, as a good friend so kindly put it. I have taken up a Vegan lifestyle and am already feeling the positive effects. My health is improving, my sleep is improving and my energy level is through the roof. One positive change seems to breed other positive changes. I feel more empowered and in control of my health more so than ever before, or perhaps just my awareness of it has increased. Either way...it's a very good thing! Not only that but hopefully my choice and the knowledge I can provide to others will affect a change in them as well.

Every day I am changing for the better. I love the person I see in the mirror every day. I look forward to seeing the continuing changes in me. Finally, I have found a place that really feels like home and I'm not sure I'll ever leave. Unless something better presents itself in the universe!

Time will tell. But for now, my journey is here...destination unknown. 

 

Someone Pinch Me...Please!

 

 

Is this a dream?

 

 Am I dead?

 

This can't be...not this life. Not this beauty. Not this freedom.

 

It has to be a dream. It's either that or I'm dead.

 

 This is what Heaven must feel like.  No, nothing on this Earth could compare at this point in my life. I've seen many beautiful places, had the fortune and luck(no shit...) to travel quite extensively. Nothing has lifted my spirits like this place.  Every sunset on the water literally makes my heart skip a beat. I feel it jumping for joy inside my chest.  No, there isn't much better than this life I've landed into. I jumped off a cliff almost two weeks ago in the hopes that I would soar and eventually land on my feet. And here I am...grounded yet still soaring in the upper atmosphere. Every day gets more exciting as my confidence grows. I push myself further each day, exploring new areas, meeting new people. And by doing so, I am finding that life can be so exciting...and rewarding. It doesn't have to end with the thought that you have to punch a clock day in and day out, with no room for reprieve.  You can break that mold. Do what is required, but find time to fill your needs, fill up the things that your "spirit" requires. If not, you end up a statistic, blending in with the backwards thinking society that brainwashes people into believing that you can't have more. You can have whatever you want. Life is essentially your oyster. And here, in San Diego...it's mine.

 



 

 

It all starts here.

 

 

So much has changed. Just a week ago I arrived in Oceanside, California (north of San Diego, also known as North County by the "locals"). I entered an unfamiliar world that strangely, seemed suddenly very familiar.  For the last year I contemplated this change. The idea of moving across country, from the only real home I'd ever known scared me so much in the beginning. I struggled with the idea of uprooting my life(or what I thought was my "life") in an effort to find my true path.  The journey getting here was less about the mileage or traveling in my little VW bug with my back seat and trunk stuffed full with what remained of my former life, than it was about the road I'd left behind. 

 

It's funny how you realize how little "things" mean to you when you make the decision to start over.  Things end up being just "things" and nothing more. They turn into space takers...and suddenly those "things" seem very materialistic.   Instead I found a way to remove those things from my life and replace them with experiences, laughter and fond memories.  After a lot of soul searching, personal growth and exposure to people with like minds who were willing to offer me encouragement and insight as to how I could make my own path, the universe simply opened up a door for me. It took a mental change for that to occur. I had to accept certain changes, face fears, and go blindly forward in the dark with the faith that a light would be waiting for me at the end.

 

It was worth it. 

 

Fear is the four letter word that stifles dreams, ravages the spirit of freedom and independence and takes residence in the dark corners of our minds. It is the intangible, yet crippling monster that feeds on the soul.  No longer does it  take residence in my mind or in my life.

 

I'll refer back now to something a good friend once said to me. He said, that fear was the four letter word that separated me from my new life. That understanding alone shifted my consciousness and made me realize that it was me, who was in control all along.  Now, here I am...2200 miles away from my old life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Life is all about taking chances when you are afraid. It's about jumping when you can't see what's ahead of you and knowing that you are either going to fall on your ass and try again or you are going to land on your feet, stronger than ever. It's trusting in yourself enough to know that you are capable of so much more. Once you make that decision you face the fear and by facing it...you conquer it. 

 

Life is good... and fear is just a ghost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another amazing transformation has taken place. I can only sit back and reflect on what once was and the path I see so clearly before me now. For a very long time it felt as though I was merely drifting. And I don't mean drifting the way a leaf dances in the wind...no that would have been much more pleasant. Instead, I was drifting down stream, headed for a waterfall, flailing my arms, taking on water in a canoe full of holes, without a paddle, seeking rescue from bystanders who meant only to observe me tumbling into the rocks below. Yes, that has been the story of my life. And what I've discovered is that the only person that can truly save me, is me.

 

It's much easier to see a path when you are walking it alone. There are no distractions or worries about the crowd up ahead or the crowd following behind. This path that I am on, is laid out just for me and wandering has been the best experience of my life thus far. With no real destination...I am just focusing on the journey and taking each day as it comes, moment by moment, living in the present. That is the ONLY thing that matters.

 

No more worries of things unseen.

No more worries of the what-ifs and what-might-have-beens. 

Far too many thoughts have been wasted on such inconsequiental nothings.

 

 

 

 



Oh the Places You'll Go...

 

 

Oh, the places I will go.

Hither and tither,

 and to and fro.

San Francisco,

I'm coming soon,

 to stand on your beach,

 to look at your moon.

 Amsterdam,

your cafes do call,

I will sit and drink

and sample them all.

 

 

Oh, the places I will go.

Hither and tither

and to and fro

nothing will stop me

no, no, no!

 

 

 

 

Dr. Suess said it best:

 

 

“You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!





 

 

 

“And when you're alone there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

 

But I am not afraid. My journey is just beginning.

 

 



The 5...

 

 

The 5

 

 

 



 

 

They say you are the 5 people you surround yourself with.

 

Choose wisely.

 

 

Love Yourself First

 

 

 

 

Love yourself first. If you can't do that, how do you expect anyone else to?

Love comes in many forms. It doesn't have to be so clearly defined. In fact, I think that might be why people struggle so much, because in their minds they've already decided what they think it should mean, based on what has been force fed to them their whole lives.

 

My definition of love has changed immensely over the past year. Parts of it remain the same, but the spectrum has expanded into realms I didn't realize were possible. I guess for a very long time, I wasn't sure how to love myself because I was too busy putting the needs of others over my own, thinking that was a form of love. Self-sacrificing, I robbed myself of love, which left me feeling quite empty inside. I thought I was doing the right thing...what was expected of me. I spent so much time and effort trying to prove my "love" that I gave up who I was entirely. Which is completely insane.

 

I can tell you..that didn't really work out so well. It emptied me, drained me, sucked the life right out of me, made me doubt myself and left me in misery. 

 

Love shouldn't have anything to do with making you less of yourself.

 

After much time on my own I began seeing more clearly what is important to me. I started feeling my spirit again, feeling my body gain strength, seeing the light come back into my eyes when I looked into the mirror.

 

I started loving me again.

 

For me, love is taking care of your body, eating foods that keep you healthy. Love is generosity of spirt. Love is acceptance of flaws. Love is the ability to tear down walls, especially your own. Love is allowing yourself room to breath.

 

When you get to the place where you can love yourself completely, you no longer feel the need to validate yourself through other people. I think that has been the greatest part of my transformation.

 

 

 

 



Song of the Day

 

"The World At Large"-Modest Mouse

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

FOR SALE

 

My Old Life.

Items can be purchased on an individual basis or as a complete package.

FOR SALE items include:

Insecurities

Social Anxiety

Depression

Insomnia

One cardboard box filled with miscellaneous junk and baggage.

ALL SALES are FINAL. NO RETURNS ACCEPTED.

Please come by to pick up or owner will happily deliver to your doormat, drop and... RUN!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where to begin...

I don’t even know where to begin. And the point of all this is, it doesn’t even really matter in the end.

How do I tell you that my life will never be the same, without you thinking my intentions are more than they really are? How do I tell you how thankful I am for the time we’ve shared? How do I express my gratitude to someone I know my time is limited with?

This is how...

You,my friend, are an amazing individual. I’m sure you realize that at this point in your life. Everyone who comes in contact with you must surely feel the same. You are here for a  purpose, and at least for me, I know what that is.

You changed me. Or I changed me because of you. Or I changed me because I wanted to and you somehow gave me that push…enough just so I could feel my wings catch the wind before the leap. Always in fear of falling, somehow I’ve forgotten how it feels to fly. Within 24 hours of meeting you, my perspective on life shifted. It is no coincidence that we met.  There are NO coincidences in life.

The universe always has a plan. I’d be naïve to think otherwise.

It’s not that you put the ideas in my head, because the ideas were already there. It’s just that something happens when a person allows you to be raw, exposed, without fear of judgement. It is the absolute best release. For so long I have lived my life attempting to please other people because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I’ve lived a life of irrational fears. Fears that have kept me from becoming the person I was meant to be.  I feel remorse for the time I have wasted. And yet, I know that wasting time on remorse is much worse. So I need to move on. Get on with life. Experience the exhilaration of flying without the fear of falling, without the fear of failing.

I need to feel the wind again, not fear the fall.

I guess what this is all about is really just a thank you.

So..thank  you. For what it’s worth. 

Thank you for seeing me and helping me to see myself again. 

For that I am truly thankful. 

 

 

 

Four Letters

Alright this is going to sound pretty crazy. But crazy is relative “they” say. I’m not even sure who “they” really are but I guess “they” might have a point.

The way I see it I’m just about one strap loose on the old straightjacket away from the nut house. Difference is, I’m willing to admit it. No, I’m not clinically insane, don’t misinterpret… but that’s all up to perspective anyways. I think everyone has some form of “crazy, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest in them”. We all do crazy things and sometimes we don’t do crazy things because we are afraid, and those are the things I feel make us human and allow for a true human experience.

Some people are crazy because they always play it safe.  If you always play it safe, play by the rules, never take risks, never force yourself outside of the comfort bubble…doesn’t that make you a whole new kind of crazy?

This behavior has tangible, observable and negative long term effects on the individual.  

Here are just a few things that I know from my own personal experience. And I am not afraid to admit it anymore because, I am in fact changing.  I am not the same person I was yesterday; I can tell you that without a doubt. And tomorrow, I’ll be even better than I am today.

Here is the effect this irrational behavior had on me:

Introversion+ low social skills + self-esteem problems = dependency, anxiety, depression and a very miserable and unfulfilling existence.

So here I am turning 33 in April. I’m as close to being back to square one as I ever have been before. The “old me” would have been afraid of that thought. The old me would have looked at square one as a failure.  But the new me, sees it completely differently. I see square one more like a starting block now.

A friend of mine made a very good point this afternoon that literally sent chills through my body. Such a simple yet, mind-blowingly valid statement.

I sent a text earlier today that said, “2300 miles.  That’s all that separates me from my new life”.

His response was: “Four letters is all that separates you from a new life…fear.”

And he was right. Really that is the ONLY obstacle standing in my way.

Truth be told. Fear doesn’t exist without our acknowledgement. FEAR is something we fabricate ourselves. It’s the boogie monster under the bed.

All I have to do is turn the light on.

 

 

Meraki.  An interesting and beautiful little word.

If more people in the world practiced meraki in their everyday lives…I think we’d probably all be a lot better off.

These people practiced Meraki: I think this proves a good point…

Vincent Van Gogh

Picasso

Galileo

Shakespeare

Einstein

Bill Gates

Steve Jobs

JK Rowling- Don’t laugh she’s the first billionaire author. So, she’s on my list.

Edgar Allan Poe

BB King

Spielberg

George Lucas

…. Don’t you think so?

 

Once Upon a Time

 

Once Upon a Time

 

Once upon a time, there was this person in my life who meant the world to me...

 

And secretly, I loved him.

 

I loved him in a way, that I've never loved anyone since.  He was one of the very few people I have ever been able to fully open up to, share my secrets and dreams with, be completely foolish with(without feeling completely foolish). He was the person who took every opportunity to embarrass me in public, but only in a cute-and non-emotionally scarring kind of way.  This same person knew when I was having a bad day, just by the decrease in the amount of laughter that was always seemingly present when we were together.   He knew that I tap my feet on the floor when I'm anxious. He knew that dark chocolate was my favorite, but I'd still fight over a bag of Twizzlers at the movie theater. And I might just punch someone over a Reese's cup if it came down to the last one in t Halloween candy stash.  This same person would send me "drunk" texts, randomly but most commonly on the weekends and generally at stupid thirty in the a.m.

 

He bought me "Legends of the Fall" for Christmas one year. I guess he felt I need a good dose of Brad Pitt. Still not sure about that one...  We caught each other crying during "The Patriot", but both of us swore we had something in our eyes.

 

And this person, I loved him.

I loved him because he was my best friend. And I know he loved me too.

 

I know he loved me because he allowed me to be me, 100%. With no fear of judgement, no fear of dramatics. Every day together was an adventure and we had a hell of a time.

 

It was beautiful. Pure friendship, no expectations, just mutual support and  awesomeness.

 

 

That's what I've been missing in my life.

 

 

 

 

 



 



The Road to Happiness

 

I missed the exit.

In fact, I’ve pretty much been driving past it my whole life.

Sure, don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen it in small glimpses, but the moments are often fleeting. The happiness I find most satisfying is when it comes from simple things, like an awesome cotton candy sunset when I’m on one of my runs through the woods. I see it in the trees, the way the wind rustles the branches…I hear it in the sounds of thousands of leaves tickled by the breeze, the sudden realization that life is all around me and I am a part of something so much bigger than myself.  

And still I am looking for the off ramp…trying to find my “happy place”.  I think I am closer than I’ve ever been before.  I can see it just up the road. I know what I have to do to get there.  No GPS required.

The Road to Happiness should be the most epic of all road trips. Not a straight shot up a one way street. What’s the fun in that? What do you learn from life when you are stuck in cruise, staring out the window, but never really seeing the road?  I guess that’s how I lived my life in the past. I didn’t even know I was doing it. It just sort of happened that way. At one point, I even stopped looking out the window all together, accepting exactly what was in front of me…as if I didn’t deserve better.

Not anymore.

It's time to caddy whip this ride.

Now I’m driving a different path. I’m sure I will hit a few potholes along the way. I might even pick up a hitchhiker or two. But guess what? I’m the driver… I pick the music…I pick the route…I pick the destination.

Time to buckle up, floor it, and enjoy the fuck out of this ride!

To unpathed waters, undreamed shores.

"To unpathed waters, undreamed shores."

-William Shakepeare-

 

 

Through tumultuous storms I have traveled upon and vast and endless sea. I ride the waves and cast my sail . An unseen path lies before me. Fear, a monster so hideous and frightful, a creature from far below the water's surface, breaches, poking it's monstrous head above the dark crests eager to conquer, eager to consume, eager to destroy what is rightfully mine. So hideous is the creature, my heart races, pounding inside my chest, my breath is sucked from my lungs. The enemy, the conqueror of my dreams stares me in the eyes. I feel the intensity of its glare and yet I will not sink into the sea, I will not surrender.

 

As the wind picks up, I steady myself and watch the sail billow and catch, holding fast against nature's fury. I feel my own strength growing as I maneuver, quickly gaining speed against the current. A light flashes in the distance, shattering the darkness momentarily, just long enough for me to steady the course. The monster resigns into the depths, slinking back into the abyss. 

 

I have conquered it once again.

 

Forward I propel towards the beacon of light, with my sight set upon the shore. The thunderous roar crashes above be as the seas rise and swell around me. Lightening splinters the sky. I breathe in deep, sucking in the salty air, filling my lungs. The sting of salt burns as it enters, reminding me I am still alive. Behind me, the wake tumbles and shifts, eager to devour passing ships.

 

I look ahead and leave the monsters to writhe beneath the waves, no longer afraid of their wrath, for I am the captain and my vessel is strong, my sails are steady, propelling me towards the light.

 

To unpathed waters, undreamed shores...I sail onward.

 

-Heidi Fuqua-

 





It's been a very long time since my last post. Another year has gone by and WOW, what a difference a year can make. 2012 was a year of transformation for me...a year of great personal growth...and to think that the defining moment began with a broken toe.

I know that sounds pretty silly, but bear with me and I will explain.

I struggled in 2012 in my relationship of 3.5 years. All relationships have ups and downs, but this was worse. I found myself staring at the back of my fiance's head as he immersed himself in digital entertainment, wholly ignoring me, unable to see or feel my desperation for intimacy. Just a year prior, the man who pledged his love to me and offered me a beautiful ring as a token of his undying affection..slept with our friend, in our living room, while I was blissfully sleeping in bed, without a care in the world, feeling so content and so secure. It took awhile for his confession to breach the surface, although my spider senses were tingling long before. I'm not sure if it was denial or fear that kept me silent. Perhaps I was not strong enough or ready to stand on my own.

Through a lot of personal growth, meditation, and discussion with a very dear friend...I began to turn the mirror backwards and look within myself. I needed to understand why I was so desperate to be treated like I was worthless. Essentially that is what I was accepting. Someone once told me, "You get what you are willing to accept". So true. And a part of me was so weak and broken that I felt in some twisted way that this was my fault. That it had happened before and perhaps would happen again, and for the rest of my life.

Bullshit.

Fast forward to the broken toe.

One evening, much like any other evening. I was caring for my fiance's son, William (as I always did while he was working). I was cooking dinner, enjoying a little one on one time with William and the oven began to beep at me, alerting me that dinner was ready. Because the beeping makes me crazy, I rushed through the living room, barefoot and caught my left pinky toe in a crevice of the wicker coffee table leg. Of all the tiny spaces...my toe found it's way in at the exact spot, right time, wrong place and SNAP! I heard the audible snap. The pain didn't set in right away. In fact I thought I stubbed my toe until I pulled up my pants leg to reveal and complete break, toe jutting sideways at a sickening angle. OH GOD. I freaked out, froze in place and reached for my cell phone. I phoned my fiance and the first words out of his mouth were...(pardon my French), "What the fuck do you want me to do about it?"

Nevermind the fact that I am totally panicked because I have never broken a bone in my body. My toe looks like something you'd see in a horror movie and I am alone in the house with a 7 year old.
The oven is still beeping, adding to my anxiety and I am frozen.

First of all, my fiance didn't believe me. He thought I was overreacting. Granted, I don't overreact to anything. I am as calm as a cucumber until I am pushed to the limit of no return. Secondly, he insulted my judgement and showed a total lack of concern for my well being. I had to send him a photo of my toe to get him to come home(a half hour drive)  to pick me up and take me to the ER.

Once at the ER, there was no supportive words, only comments like "This is such bad timing. How are you going to pay the bill. It's really going to hurt when they re-set your toe".

Here I am sitting in the waiting room, holding my own foot up, staring at the alien looking object that doesn't feel like it's a part of my body anymore, stressing about the pain, worrying about the bill, feeling guilty for breaking a fucking toe. Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

It was in that moment that I realized ...this is not what I want or need in my life. What I needed was a kind word, a little affection and compassion, and some goddamned support. I don't think that was too much to ask of anyone. In fact I think a complete stranger would have been a better companion in that waiting room that day. 

After the toe, I started distancing myself. Took care of myself while on crutches, stood by the refridgerator to eat, leaning against the counter without any assistance from the man who claimed to love me. I did it all. I gained strength in that time of weakness and vulnearability. I began reflecting inward, as I found myself with plenty of time to be idle with my foot propped up on a pillow. A quiet house and a head full of clutter makes for an interesting day. 

This was just the beginning. And this is also another reason why I believe the Universe always has a plan. I never wanted to break a toe. I didn't choose that for myself, but I can say without a doubt that it was meant to be. I needed a push. I needed an eye opener. And it worked.

That relationship ended 7 months ago. And being "alone" , in my own space has been more fulfilling than the last year I spent "alone" with him.  At least now, I have a choice.