To unpathed waters, undreamed shores.

"To unpathed waters, undreamed shores."

-William Shakepeare-

 

 

Through tumultuous storms I have traveled upon and vast and endless sea. I ride the waves and cast my sail . An unseen path lies before me. Fear, a monster so hideous and frightful, a creature from far below the water's surface, breaches, poking it's monstrous head above the dark crests eager to conquer, eager to consume, eager to destroy what is rightfully mine. So hideous is the creature, my heart races, pounding inside my chest, my breath is sucked from my lungs. The enemy, the conqueror of my dreams stares me in the eyes. I feel the intensity of its glare and yet I will not sink into the sea, I will not surrender.

 

As the wind picks up, I steady myself and watch the sail billow and catch, holding fast against nature's fury. I feel my own strength growing as I maneuver, quickly gaining speed against the current. A light flashes in the distance, shattering the darkness momentarily, just long enough for me to steady the course. The monster resigns into the depths, slinking back into the abyss. 

 

I have conquered it once again.

 

Forward I propel towards the beacon of light, with my sight set upon the shore. The thunderous roar crashes above be as the seas rise and swell around me. Lightening splinters the sky. I breathe in deep, sucking in the salty air, filling my lungs. The sting of salt burns as it enters, reminding me I am still alive. Behind me, the wake tumbles and shifts, eager to devour passing ships.

 

I look ahead and leave the monsters to writhe beneath the waves, no longer afraid of their wrath, for I am the captain and my vessel is strong, my sails are steady, propelling me towards the light.

 

To unpathed waters, undreamed shores...I sail onward.

 

-Heidi Fuqua-

 





It's been a very long time since my last post. Another year has gone by and WOW, what a difference a year can make. 2012 was a year of transformation for me...a year of great personal growth...and to think that the defining moment began with a broken toe.

I know that sounds pretty silly, but bear with me and I will explain.

I struggled in 2012 in my relationship of 3.5 years. All relationships have ups and downs, but this was worse. I found myself staring at the back of my fiance's head as he immersed himself in digital entertainment, wholly ignoring me, unable to see or feel my desperation for intimacy. Just a year prior, the man who pledged his love to me and offered me a beautiful ring as a token of his undying affection..slept with our friend, in our living room, while I was blissfully sleeping in bed, without a care in the world, feeling so content and so secure. It took awhile for his confession to breach the surface, although my spider senses were tingling long before. I'm not sure if it was denial or fear that kept me silent. Perhaps I was not strong enough or ready to stand on my own.

Through a lot of personal growth, meditation, and discussion with a very dear friend...I began to turn the mirror backwards and look within myself. I needed to understand why I was so desperate to be treated like I was worthless. Essentially that is what I was accepting. Someone once told me, "You get what you are willing to accept". So true. And a part of me was so weak and broken that I felt in some twisted way that this was my fault. That it had happened before and perhaps would happen again, and for the rest of my life.

Bullshit.

Fast forward to the broken toe.

One evening, much like any other evening. I was caring for my fiance's son, William (as I always did while he was working). I was cooking dinner, enjoying a little one on one time with William and the oven began to beep at me, alerting me that dinner was ready. Because the beeping makes me crazy, I rushed through the living room, barefoot and caught my left pinky toe in a crevice of the wicker coffee table leg. Of all the tiny spaces...my toe found it's way in at the exact spot, right time, wrong place and SNAP! I heard the audible snap. The pain didn't set in right away. In fact I thought I stubbed my toe until I pulled up my pants leg to reveal and complete break, toe jutting sideways at a sickening angle. OH GOD. I freaked out, froze in place and reached for my cell phone. I phoned my fiance and the first words out of his mouth were...(pardon my French), "What the fuck do you want me to do about it?"

Nevermind the fact that I am totally panicked because I have never broken a bone in my body. My toe looks like something you'd see in a horror movie and I am alone in the house with a 7 year old.
The oven is still beeping, adding to my anxiety and I am frozen.

First of all, my fiance didn't believe me. He thought I was overreacting. Granted, I don't overreact to anything. I am as calm as a cucumber until I am pushed to the limit of no return. Secondly, he insulted my judgement and showed a total lack of concern for my well being. I had to send him a photo of my toe to get him to come home(a half hour drive)  to pick me up and take me to the ER.

Once at the ER, there was no supportive words, only comments like "This is such bad timing. How are you going to pay the bill. It's really going to hurt when they re-set your toe".

Here I am sitting in the waiting room, holding my own foot up, staring at the alien looking object that doesn't feel like it's a part of my body anymore, stressing about the pain, worrying about the bill, feeling guilty for breaking a fucking toe. Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

It was in that moment that I realized ...this is not what I want or need in my life. What I needed was a kind word, a little affection and compassion, and some goddamned support. I don't think that was too much to ask of anyone. In fact I think a complete stranger would have been a better companion in that waiting room that day. 

After the toe, I started distancing myself. Took care of myself while on crutches, stood by the refridgerator to eat, leaning against the counter without any assistance from the man who claimed to love me. I did it all. I gained strength in that time of weakness and vulnearability. I began reflecting inward, as I found myself with plenty of time to be idle with my foot propped up on a pillow. A quiet house and a head full of clutter makes for an interesting day. 

This was just the beginning. And this is also another reason why I believe the Universe always has a plan. I never wanted to break a toe. I didn't choose that for myself, but I can say without a doubt that it was meant to be. I needed a push. I needed an eye opener. And it worked.

That relationship ended 7 months ago. And being "alone" , in my own space has been more fulfilling than the last year I spent "alone" with him.  At least now, I have a choice.